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Renowned Spiritual Teacher, Healer,
Mystic, and Best-Selling Author
We Love to Hate What We Love

We Love to Hate What We Love

Have you ever noticed that all too often you find yourself liking or admiring a particular quality in a person only to find that before too long, this very same quality has become something that hurts or bothers you in some way. Usually, without even realizing it, the behavior that now disturbs you is the very same thing that you once admired. For example, you meet a person and really admire their sensitivity or artistic skills. As you get to know them, you find that traits such as these sometimes go along with a person who is ungrounded or unreliable—which proves frustrating. Another example might be in a person who you admire for their strength and confidence. Yet again, when these traits are witnessed or experienced by you in a form that either fails to continue to suit your needs or triggers your unhealed issues, you feel a sudden change in your admiration for that person.

Why Love Can Turn Into Hate

So why is it that we tend to eventually hate what we love? There are a few reasons . . . some fortunate, some natural, and some unfortunate. A fortunate (or good and healthy) reason for becoming disillusioned with love is because all too often we are attracted to unhealthy characteristics in people in the first place. We cover over things we know are not healthy about those people, but eventually the cover falls off. When this occurs, we see clearly what the healthy part of us never would have liked in the first place and therefore, often allow this unhealthy scenario to come to an end.

For example, a woman is often attracted to a “bad boy” and deludes herself into thinking it can somehow be a good thing. It usually happens that the fun, carefree behavior, and spontaneity that this guy brings her is nothing but danger, carelessness, and shallow behavior, which of course grows old as soon as her higher self begins to speak louder than her ego self.

Next, there are natural reasons for becoming disillusioned such as when the ego version of love gives us a false love (infatuation) for someone, which inevitably leads to some form of hate (disillusionment). This is not so much good or bad but is part of the natural process of our delusions becoming exposed and released.

Lastly, we have unfortunate reasons for becoming disillusioned. Here, we often hate what we love because we don’t like to allow people to look good to us for too long. This part of us prefers to find fault with someone—even if they might not deserve it—so that we are justified in losing our respect for them. This can become what we believe to be a self-defense technique wherein we let ourselves down so that the other person doesn’t do so. Or this may be a way to not accept our good because we believe we don’t deserve to be happy.

How to Return to Love

The good news is that you can learn to see these annoyances as opportunities for healing and return to loving whatever it was that you’ve now begun to hate. To accomplish this means to move through two important steps:

  1. Recognize that you have begun to descend into madness—meaning that you are now being triggered by someone or something you once admired.
  2. Ask yourself if you actually hate that quality more than you love the actual person.

There are two likely answers to this question. The first is yes, you have gone over the line to hate that quality more than you like the person. The second option is no, meaning that although the quality in the person is perhaps challenging, it is actually not greater than your overall respect for them.

If you choose the first option, then you may very well have gone too far into a negative state of mind and cannot save the relationship. Conversely, if you choose the second option, it might indicate that things have not yet gone too far to turn things around. This latter choice is usually assisted by taking responsibility, healing whatever it is that triggers you, and by nurturing the spiritual qualities of tolerance and compassion. It must be clear, however, that if you feel you cannot bring yourself to this reconciliation, it might indicate that you either have old issues coming up OR that you might have some unfulfilled agendas (known or unknown) in the relationship. Therefore, when you come to realize that the other person will not or can not fulfill these agendas, you are likely to manufacture some issues, or at least exaggerate them.

A New Level of Patience and Acceptance

Whatever the case, once you decide between these two options, the rest will come naturally. If you decide the issue is too big, then it will indeed prove too big and this relationship will probably not be reconciled. On the other hand, if you decide that your love and respect for that other person is greater in quantity and/or importance than the annoyance at hand, you will have the chance to rise up your personal ladder of evolution to gain a new level of patience and acceptance.

Of course none of this means that you must always choose the road of love and tolerance to the point of complacency when it is a detriment to your greater good. Sometimes, if there is too much hurt between you and that other person, you need to move on. However, you will probably end up working on these very same issues with someone else, someone new. So be sure to heal whatever you can, whenever you can.

The most important thing is for you to discern which relations have gone too far into a negative pattern and which ones you can still salvage. Once you recognize which ones are worth your continued time and effort, you then must get out there and make amends, take advantage of this opportunity for healing, and apologize where and when needed, as well as extending love and forgiveness where and when needed.

The funny thing is, that when you really look at issues such as these, they often aren’t as big as you thought, which of course makes them easier to heal and release. Going through the process has nevertheless taught you a great deal more about yourself. You can now see how you try to sabotage your relationships and can, therefore, learn to alter this ego-based behavior.

                                                                 
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